You Might Be Eligible For AA Membership If:

Your wife asks you to pick up a canned ham, and you show up

with a case of HammÆs in cans.

If a party runs out of booze, you sock the host and drink his

nosebleed.

Interventions have become so frequent that you just leave the

folding chairs set up in your living room.

The arresting officer tells you that you have the right to

remain silent and you waive that right so you can finish

singing Enter Sandman.

You know how to say ôWhere are my pants?ö in seven languages.

You have a lot of respect for that 80-year-old guy at the end

of the bar, but you know from experience that heÆs a dirty

fighter.

You go on week-long benders just so youÆll have a cool story

to tell at your AA meetings

.

You got in a fist fight with a wino over how long a bottle of

Thunderbird should be allowed to ôbreatheö

.

YouÆre willing to go on the wagon, so long as itÆs heading

for a bar.

You got pissed off when you forgot whatever you were drinking

to forget.

You have so much alcohol in your system that your cabbie has

to be HazMat certified.

If a wino jumped off a building, youÆd bravely leap forward to

break the fall of his bottle.

You install shag carpet because itÆs easier to hang on to.

Embalming fluid would be an improvement.

Your last Breathalyzer reading was ôNo Fucking Way.ö

Distilleries fight over the billboard nearest to your place of

residence.

The state has installed a Breathalyzer interlock device on

your shoes.

You drew up a living will that states very clearly that you do

not want the booze tube removed under any circumstances.

Your friends often substitute ôGood nightö with ôHey, you

canÆt sleep here.ö

When you donate blood they store it in oak barrels.

You openly commit crimes just to learn new pruno recipes.

Your name is police code for Public Intoxication.

YouÆre fairly sure a letter to Dear Abby signed ôWant To Leave

the Bum, But CanÆtö was written by your liver.

Your favorite drinking game is Do A Shot Every Time You Do A

Shot.

Your idea of a seven-course meal is a six-pack and a pizza.

TV beer ads have started addressing you by name.

Someone offers you palm wine and you think theyÆre out of

Glassware

.

You brush your teeth with bourbon. It hasnÆt helped cut down

on cavities, but who cares?

When a panhandler asks, ôCan you give me a quarter for some

beer?ö you reply, ôOkay, but I want to taste it first.ö

You know heavy drinking makes you smarter because you can

never remember doing anything stupid while blacked out.

You have a split personalityùevery time you meet someone with

booze you want to split it with them.

You were so drunk at the office Xmas party that you kissed

your own wife.

YouÆve never been to Afghanistan or Pakistan, but youÆre a

frequent visitor to Imtoodrunktostan.

You become sexually aroused by the tapping of a keg.

You know you can use Jagermeister as cough syrup. And visa

versa.

Your 86s are passed down to your grandchildren.

You have a sweet tooth for alcoholùin fact, your whole mouth

likes it.

You spill so much booze at home your dog slurs his barks.

Your credit history is composed entirely of bar tabs.

When you get a cold you get a bottle of whiskey, do shots, and

itÆs gone ù not the cold, the whiskey.

YouÆre always shaking hands, even when thereÆs no one else

around.

Whenever you bend your elbow your mouth snaps open.

When your boss asks you to work overtime you demand time and a

fifth.

You get held up almost every time you go home ù in fact itÆs

the only way you can get home.

YouÆd be happy to go on the wagon if you could find one with a

bar.

Your favorite bar is four blocks away ù six blocks coming

back.

When you order a hound for the rouse.

The Red Cross uses your blood to sterilize their instruments.

YouÆre half scotch, and your ancestors arenÆt from Scotland.

You know how to handle your liquor ù with both hands.

You hate the very sight of liquor, which is why you hide it in

your stomach.

You can tell what bar youÆre in by the bottoms of their

tables.

A liter of scotch isn't enough to invite a friend over for a

drink.

Your first science fair project was a still.

You know most the of people in a bar and canÆt remember one of

their names.

Anyone who kisses you must legally wait half an hour to drive.

They have to mix your blood with tonic water before giving it

to anyone.

YouÆve filed assault charges against a coffee table.

When youÆre out in the street, you are literally ôoutö in the

street.

You think of drinking beer as ôsobering up,ö

You can say ôWhiskey, pleaseö in 34 languages, but canÆt

understand ôLast callö in English.

Your liver takes sides against you during an intervention.

You know better than going near an open flame while youÆre

bleeding.

Your bed looks a helluva lot like a park bench, and your

bedroom looks a helluva lot like a park.

You need a blood transfusion to legally enter a dry county.

Your flask is spring-loaded.

You judge cologne by its bouquet and finish.

Your liver is in the Federal Witness Protection Program.

You enjoy cooking with wine, and sometimes you even put it in

the food.

YouÆve only been drunk once in your life, and so far itÆs

lasted twenty-three years.

You liver has a restraining order on you.

You can tell the difference between a bottle of Jack and a

bottle of Jim by the sound they make hitting the back of your

head.

Alcoholism doesnÆt run in your familyùit takes its own sweet

time.

YouÆve been cut off during communion.

You wonder why they call it Southern Comfort when they know

damn well there is nothing comfortable about being handcuffed

in the back of a squad car.

Growing-up means buying better booze, getting older means

getting used to the cheap stuff again.

You miss the old days when you were younger than the cop that

finds you sleeping in a dumpster.

You were excited about the Olsen twins turning ôlegalö until

you realized they still arenÆt old enough to buy you a drink.

You resent it when people call you a raving alcoholic, because

youÆve never been to a rave in your life.

You keep a bottle of liquor next to your bed so you can have

breakfast in bed when you wake up.

You consider anything less than 80 proof a chaser.

YouÆve eaten 87 packets of honey mustard because on the label

it lists ôwhite wineö as an ingredient.

You have convinced yourself that youÆre not drinking

alone so long as your friends Jack, Jim and Johnnie

are over.

Your wardrobe is divided into Summer, Winter and

Things You Woke Up Wearing. The third category

includes a number of thongs.

Your BAC is measured in proof.

You measure time by drinks, as in: "Hold on a shot, the movie

doesn't start for another four bourbons."

To you "Last call!" sounds just like "Please donÆt leave! We

love you and you're charming wit!"

You donÆt use cologne or aftershave because you have a moral

objection to alcohol going anywhere but down your throat.

YouÆd exercise more but when you sweat it smells like booze

and that makes you thirsty.

You always finish your drinks because there are sober people

in China.

When you come home to find your house burglarized the first

thing you check is your liquor cabinet.

You'll join A.A. when they start serving cocktails at the

meetings.

Your ATM is a Dumpster full of recyclable cans.

You'll sleep through a train wreck, yet spring awake to the

sound of a bottle top turning.

You can order a beer in 17 different languages but donÆt know

how to pronounce ôPerrier.ö

When a cop asks, ôHave we been drinking?ö you reply, ôDo you

really think IÆd drink with the likes of you?ö

You freak out when you wake up in your own bed.

YouÆd have passed the sobriety test if you hadnÆt mistaken the

Breathalyzer for a bugle.

Your waking thought is, ôWow, look at all the gum stuck to the

bottom of the table.ö

You got in trouble at work because your standard greeting is,

ôHey, letÆs do a shot!ö

You cursed the St. Bernard who rescued you because he had the

nerve to bring only one lousy liter of brandy.

You can hear someone whisper ôfree beerö from three blocks

away.

You consider a bottle of cheap whiskey and two shot glasses a

very romantic gift.

You hate it when men give you flowers because, heyùyou canÆt

drink flowers.

You dream of the beautiful day when all races, religions,

creeds and colors finally get it together and pitch in to buy

you a case of decent scotch.

You show up to brewery tours wearing fins and a snorkel.

You tell your friends your dogÆs name is ôTime For A Beer Runö

but you call him ôHurry Up.ö

The tooth fairy left you shots of Rumpleminze.

YouÆve convinced yourself your liver isnÆt distendedùitÆs

pregnant. With a new liver.

You play the same song 20 times in a row at top volume at

three in the morning and are certain the neighbors donÆt mind

because, you know, itÆs such a kick-ass song.

You think the porcelain hat looks good on you.

Your idea of karaoke is falling off the stage while yelling

ôRock and roll!ö into the microphone.

Your house is four times farther from the bar on the way back.

Your alarm clock is synchronized with the nearest liquor

storeÆs opening time.

You have threatened to murder and marry the same person in the

span of a single happy hour.

You are the answer to the question, ôWhat kind of idiot pukes

in a bidet?ö

While in the drunk tank your friends tried to sneak you a

fifth of Beam in a cake.

YouÆre personal trainer is a bartender.

YouÆve known Jack Daniels so long you refer to him as John.

You watch Behind the Music and think ôThatÆs really not that

much alcohol.ö

The bartender is in the weeds and youÆre the only person in

the bar.

You refuse to play Golden Tee because there is no bgirl.

Think box wine is great; eagerly awaiting box whiskey.

You get cut off in absentia.

You wonÆt rent an apartment that doesnÆt have a bar and liquor

store within two blocks.

YouÆre favorite cocktail is one quarter vodka, one quarter

vodka, one half vodka and topped up with vodka.

You get angry when guys who canÆt hold their liquor keep

stepping on your fingers.

You get nervous when there are only three bottles of liquor

left in your house.

You forget how pants work.

YouÆre not angry about the fly in your drink, youÆre angry he

didnÆt chip in on the tab.

YouÆve never taken a lesson, but after eight drinks youÆre

pretty damn sure you can play the piano. And break dance. At

the same time.

You hate it when your lightweight drinking buddies get so

drunk you can barely see them.

YouÆve put a dozen vampires into A.A.

You shake the same personÆs hand five times between last call

and getting booted out.

YouÆre entire lifeÆs savings equals a case a cheap beer and

bottle of rotgut bourbon. And youÆre very excited by the fact.

You think Jim Beam is a utility company because it keeps

shutting off your lights

You never blackout. You just take a lot of ôloud vertical

naps.ö

ù

You have never taken a drink of a non-alcoholic beverage

without thinking, ôMan, a splash of booze would fix this right

up.ö

YouÆve apologized to people you donÆt remember meeting for

things you donÆt remember doing in places you donÆt remember

going.

You think of plate glass windows as more suggestions than

guidelines.

You canÆt walk a straight line unless the floor is moving.

You dressed as a wino for halloween and no one noticed.

Half the bartenders in town know exactly which porch to leave

you on.

Your tapeworm joined a 12 Step program.

You attempted to have a keg delivered to your cell in the

drunk tank.

Your paychecks are deposited directly into a barÆs bank

account.

Instead of ôGood morning,ö the first words out of your mouth

are ôHave you seen my trousers?ö

You were looking forward to your court-mandated alcohol

classes until you found out there wasnÆt any actual alcohol

involved.

You hang an open umbrella from your drinking hand to catch the

spillage.

Long Islands are your cup of tea.

The words ôLast Callö physically hurt you.

Detox leaves a mint under your pillow.

ù

You fall down a well and send Lassie to the liquor store.

Bartenders call you when youÆve been absent for more than two

days.

Lawn sprinklers are sometimes your alarm clock.

You wake up in a strange city not knowing how you got there,

and the three other guys donÆt know either.

You need help getting the breathalyzer in the right hole.

You lost a fistfight with yourself.

It takes two shots of schnapps to wash the taste of

Breathalyzer out of your mouth.

You like to stop for a drink on the way to the fridge to get a

beer.

You went on vacation for two weeks and the owner of your

regular bar had his boat repossessed.

YouÆve asked a bartender to ôfreshen upö your shot glass.

Bars call in their off-duty bartenders when you walk in the

door.

YouÆve asked a waiter: ôWhat sort of wine goes with vodka?ö

When buying floor tile, you press your face against it to see

how comfortable it would be to sleep on.

You get into a loud, enraged argument, then realize youÆre

alone.

After your fifth drink, youÆre like Don Juan with the ladies:

They Don Juan nothing to do with you.

You suspect that water, taken in small quantities, isnÆt all

that dangerous.

You occasionally have meals with your wine.

You wake up every morning at the crack of ice.

You drink to forget you drink.

You distrust camels, or anyone else who can go a week without

a drink.

People get drunk by shaking your hand.

You never eat breakfast on an empty stomach.

Beer is the reason you get up every afternoon.

The only drinking problem you have is the two-hands/one-mouth

thing.

Your house is so messy because it spins like a top every time

you lie down.

You drink to steady yourself, and sometimes you get so steady

you canÆt move.

You never walk, you just occasionally stagger in a straight

line.

You get angry because thereÆs always so much booze left at the

end of your money.

You think that drunks are a lot like chess players, only drunk

.

You forgot your fishing pole on your fishing trip and didnÆt

notice.

YouÆve been laid out on more floors than JohnsonÆs Wax.

Your liver has hired an attorney.

You wish all the worldÆs parking lots could be somehow turned

into lush rain forests, because, you know, itÆs hard to hide

from cops in a parking lot.

Your favorite bar installed a seat belt on your barstool.

The glass isnÆt half empty or half full. It just needs to be

topped off.

You donÆt fall off the wagonùyou leap off it while chugging a

bottle of cheap bourbon.

You have two personalities: Mr. Responsibility and Mr.

I-Think-IÆll-Call-All-My-Old-Girlfriends-While-I'm-Blacked-Out

.

The word ôrentö loses all meaning after your fifth drink.

YouÆre so good at ôdrinking to forgetö that you sometimes

forget how to walk.

Whenever someone in a suit spills your well bourbon it

magically transforms into top shelf scotch on the way to the

floor.

You laugh at funerals but weep like a baby whenever you hear

about a beer truck overturning.

YouÆd rather be a bus driver than an astronaut because, hey,

there ainÆt no beer where theyÆre going.

You donÆt mind when your wife finds you stinking drunk in a

bar, because then you can hit her up for a free drink.

Pink elephants get drunk and they see you.

You can get drunk on Scotch tape.

YouÆre not a hard drinker. ItÆs the easiest thing you do.

You like to have a drink between drinks.

YouÆd join AA but your always too drunk too memorize the

pledge.

Your sleep number is 151 . . . proof.

You quit drinking once, and it was the worst afternoon of your

life.

You wonÆt eat an olive unless itÆs sterilized in gin.

You think BeethovenÆs Fifth is a bottle of schnapps.

YouÆre living a champagne lifestyle on a beer budget. Except

you donÆt like champagne so you just drink lots and lots of

beer.

Gin rummy sounded like a fun game.

YouÆre stalked by alcoholic vampires.

You have never screwed a cap back onto a liquor bottle.

Your friends pretend to be bartenders, just so youÆll pay

attention to them.

Your personal mantra is, ôWhere thereÆs a swill, thereÆs a

sway.ö

You suffer from barthritisù every night you get stiff in

another joint.

You donÆt recognize the difference between ôwaking upö and

ôcoming to.ö

You donate a pint of blood and the hospital has to card the

patient they give it to.

Your liver enters itself in a Tough Man competition.

You wear Hawaiian shirts because itÆs tougher to see vomit

stains on them.

Going out drinking with you is covered by your friendsÆ

insurance.

As a child your dad helped you learn math by first explaining

a four-count.

Your personal math system is based on the number six, i.e.:

ôIÆll take a twelver of Big Macs, with a sixer of those

without cheese.ö

You use visualization techniques to master beer bongs.

In high school, you were voted most likely to drink in grade

school.

2 for 1 is your lucky number.

A perfect date is soft music, a bottle of wine and moi.

A couple times a year you go on a ônon-bender.ö

Before you go out each night you consult a psychic hotline to

determine which bartenders will be pouring strong.

Peeling the label off a beer bottle arouses you.

You feel a tinge of pride when someone refers to you as a

ôshameless alcoholic.ö

YouÆve discovered that teaching your dog to shoplift from

liquor stores was not nearly as hard as teaching him to

distinguish between Grey Goose and McCormickÆs.

You were against going to war with Iraq until you found out

those poor fuckers arenÆt allowed to drink.

The first thing you thought when you woke up yesterday was,

ôWow, look at all that gum stuck under the bar!ö

Your girlfriend left you because you accidentally cried out

ôGlenfiddichö while making love.

Your beer back comes with a tap.

You conduct weekly ôassisted short-term flightö experiments

every weekend. With the help of various bouncers.

YouÆre regularly mobbed by autograph hungry alley winos.

You were the first person in line at the flu clinic because

you heard they were giving away free shots.

You like tequila with a lime ù or dirt, or a hamster or

whatever, so long as thereÆs tequila involved.

You come home sober and your dog bites you.

The cafeteria in the detox center has a sandwich named after

you.

You canÆt recognize your best friend unless heÆs leaning

against a bar. With a drink in his hand. Drunk.

You like a splash of coffee in your morning whiskey.

You can blow a .08 BAC from twenty feet away.

You take swim trunks to brewery tours.

YouÆre kept awake at night by the sound of your liver crying.

You prefer cold showers because the ice in your drink doesnÆt

melt as fast.

YouÆre shocked and confounded to discover they actually sell

Coke without Jack Daniels.

When a cop asks you to walk a straight line, you ask, ôWhich

one?ö

You tried getting out of a DUI by putting a beer label on your

arm and telling the cop youÆre off the booze and on the patch.

You woke up on New Years Eve with the resolution of finding

out which bars open earliest.

Get mad when your family calls you a

wino because they know damn well you prefer whiskey.

YouÆre definition of a problem drinker is guy who wonÆt buy

you a round.

You hate the person you become when you black out, because,

you know, that fucker drinks all your beer.

You know hangovers only last a day, but a good drinking story

lives on forever.

You donÆt like to think of it as blacking out. You prefer to

think of it as exercising the lizard brain.

The only useful thing you got out of an A.A. meeting was

learning how to identify your enablers. Because, hey, those

guys are most likely to buy you a drink.

You distrust any wine that doesnÆt give you a decent hangover.

A good drinking buddy will bail you out of jail, but a great

drinking buddy will be sitting in the cell beside you, saying,

ôMan, that was awesome!ö

The last words you remember each night are, ôHold my beer and

watch this!ö

YouÆre disappointed when you go to a funeral and thereÆs no

keg.

You refer to your mouth as your ôbooze hole.ö

YouÆve told JehovahÆs Witnesses, ôOf course, I want to go to

Heaven. IÆm sure itÆs awesome. God does pick up the tab every

night, right?ö

You once got so drunk you dreamed you got fired and broke up

with your girlfriend ù and it all came true!

You regularly ask bartenders, ôSo, how are the spill mats

looking tonight? Anything good in there?ö

Someone tells you they donÆt drink anymore, and you bravely

respond, ôDonÆt worry about it, buddy, IÆll take up your

slack!ö

You prefer vodka that comes in the handy plastic squeeze-size

bottles.

The bartender asks for your I.D. just to see how long it'll

take you to find your pants.

Two weeks into the bender you found out ôDrink Canada Dryö was

a corporate slogan, not a challenge.

For the money youÆve spent on Thunderbird, you could have

bought the car.

You know that vodka is tasteless going down, but memorable

coming up.

You say when your drunk what you think when youÆre sober.

You know the best beer in the world is the one in your hand.

Beer does not make you fat. It makes you leanù against bars,

poles and tables.

You always drink Irish Coffee for breakfast because it

contains all four adult food groups: fat, sugar, caffeine and

alcohol.

You don't drink anymore . . . of course, you don't drink any

less, either.

Your bartender never has to ask, ôDo you want another?ö

You recognize that vomiting is just the bodyÆs way of making

room for another round.

You distrust camels or anything else that can go a week

without a drink.

You're favorite method of dieting is the ôSlim Jimö: Ultra

Slim-Fast shakes made with Jim Beam.

Absolut wants to run an ad featuring a picture of your liver

in the shape of a bottle.

You only drink to get rid of hangovers, and sometimes it takes

all night.

You know if you give up drinking you wonÆt actually live

longer ù itÆll just seem like longer.

You spend ninety percent of your paycheck on drinking and

waste the rest.

You fell down two flights of stairs and didnÆt spill a drop.

You donÆt mind blacking out because it makes Sunday confession

much less embarrassing.

When you wake up hungover youÆre afraid youÆll die. Half an

hour later youÆre afraid youÆll live.

You wonder why people need friends when you can just sit in a

room and drink all day.

You believe the only Absolut(e) in life is vodka.

You went on a diet, swore off drinking and bar food, and in

fourteen days you lost two weeks.

Booze may not be the answer, but it helps you to forget the

question.

You exist in a perfect Zen circle: you drink because your wife

nags and she nags because you drink.

You got so drunk on St. PatrickÆs day it seemed like every

other day.

You must have a drink by eleven, itÆs a deed that must be

done. If you canÆt have a drink by eleven, you must have

eleven by one.

If a man gave you a fish and youÆd eat for a day. If he taught

you to fish youÆd sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

If it werenÆt for the olives in your martinis, youÆd starve to

death.

When your spirits get low, you use a straw.

YouÆd go on the wagon, but canÆt find one with a bar.

You always cook with wine. Sometimes you even add it to the

food.

You drink a bottle of wine everyday. Unless youÆre sick. Then

you drink two.

You refer to grapes as ôwine eggs.ö

You can walk into a 7-11 at 2am, look at the cheese dog thatÆs

been mutating on the grill since 8am and think, ôMan, that

looks tasty!ö

You know liquor gets better with age, because the older you

get the more you like it.

You only drink to steady your nerves. Sometimes you get so

steady you have to be carried out.

You drink to make other people appear cool enough to hang out

with you.

Quitting drinking is the easiest thing in the world. YouÆve

done it a thousand times.

You have a reserved parking space at four different liquor

stores.

You woke up feeling really strange, then realized you didnÆt

have a hangover.

With a bottle of Passport Scotch and a suitcase of StrohÆs you

can go on vacation without ever leaving your house.

You never drink anything stronger than vodka before breakfast.

You make a point of never drinking before noon. Which is

convenient, because youÆre never up before three in the

afternoon.

One of your hobbies is sitting down and calculating exactly

how much liquor your next paycheck would buy at the

liquormart. Just out of curiosity, of course.

Your co-workers start whispering with concern when you donÆt

come in with hangover.

Your boss tells you to ôShape up or ship out,ö and you reply,

ôYou mean like a cruise ship? Are the drinks expensive on

cruise ships?ö

The whole terrorism deal became very clear to you when you

found out muslims arenÆt allowed to drink.

You wish you were closer to Jesus, especially when heÆs doing

his wine to water thing.

A cold cement floor looks comfortable and inviting.

You wish temperance leagues still sang anti-drinking religious

hymns outside bars, because, you know, itÆd be a very funny

thing to watch while getting hammered.

You think alcohol-fueled automobiles are the wave of the

future because, hey, it certainly works for you.

You think a wrong number is an adequate excuse to go on a

bender.

ôGoing out for a beer or twoö sometimes means waking up in

Vegas three days later.

You hated Ted Kennedy until you realized he can probably

outdrink you.

You always confuse the words picture and pitcher, especially

when someone says, ôHey, take my picture.ö

You happen to share the same home town, ethnicity, lifestyle,

opinions, occupation or whatever-the-hell of whoever happens

to be buying the drinks.

You consider vodka a chaser.

Your roommates say good morning to you and you havenÆt been to

bed yet.

You volunteered to work for free for NASA when you heard about

the gas clouds in space containing billions of gallons of

alcohol.

You know a bottle of Jack under your bed is worth a million

bottles in the liquor store after midnight.

You have told a bartender: ôI didnÆt hear anyone yell last

call. How could I? I was in the bathroom, vomiting in your

urinal.ö

Half the bouncers in town know exactly how much you weigh.

You know that time is never wasted when youÆre wasted all the

time.

You use Calvin KlienÆs new aftershave, but donÆt really care

for the aftertaste.

You refer to your mouth as your ôbooze hole.ö

You wish bartenders would spend more time ætendingÆ and less

time æbarring.Æ

The first thing you say when you walk in a bar is, ôIÆm not

still 86Æd, am I?ö

YouÆd go to Mass more often if they werenÆt so stingy with the

wine.

When you were in high school you had a poster of W.C. Fields

on your bedroom wall.

You drank ten bottles of wine last week and didnÆt need a

corkscrew once.

You prefer HammÆs and eggs for breakfast, minus the eggs.

The rotgut whiskey you buy is so disgusting you have to drink

the first half the bottle just so youÆll be drunk enough to

put up with the taste of the second half.

Whenever someone starts reading a bottle of Jack Daniels you

say, ôQuit cheating!ö

You donÆt sniff the cork, you chew it.

Your career is interfering with your drinking.

You get so drunk Bud Light starts tasting like beer.

You read this magazine until you fall asleep, then use it as a

blanket.

You heard you get drunker at higher altitudes so you always

drink on top of the dumpster.

Your alarm clock is a garbage truck.

YouÆve worked out a devious plot to steal EinsteinÆs brain. So

you can drink the alcohol itÆs stored in.

You masturbate to the liquor ads in Playboy.

You show up at the flu clinic to investigate rumors of  "free

shots."

You have a born-on date tattooed on your beer gut.

You hold a bottle of hair spray and say, "Man, if you were ice

cold."

You're addressed by three separate liquor store owners as "the

guy who paid for my houseboat."

You often confuse the word breakfast with Bloody Marys, i.e.,

"What are we going to have for Bloody Marys this morning?"

You know that liquor is especially tasty when it comes from

the secret hiding place in your roommates's closet.

You can, in a pinch, construct a fully-operational keg tap

from a cigarette lighter, two clothespins and lots of love.

You get in a heated conversation with your barstool neighbor

about the proper way to vomit from a moving vehicle.

At 2am you proclaim, "The party ain't over until the fat lady

says no!"

You need a cosigner to open a bar tab.

The monkey on your back is in rehab.

You know that, with a bouncer's assistance,  man in capable of

short-term flight.

You have recurring dream you're hired by the Guinness\Playboy

Research foundation to prove twenty pints a day improves your

sex life.

You often take your lover for romantic strolls among the

picturesque aisles of liquor superstores.

You will eat a bug for a shot.

You know wine is mentioned in the Bible over 250 times.

Perrier? Not once!

You have strained cigarette-butt infested beer through your

teeth.

You consider 3.2 beer on Sunday as Uncle Sam's cruel taunt.

You can hear someone whisper "free beer" from three blocks

away.

You know the heartbreak of watching the bartender dump the

spill tray.

You call the bartending academy, inquiring as to what they do

with their mistakes.

You refer to your refrigerator as "the stand-up beer cooler."

You give directions with liquor stores and bars the the major

landmarks, i.e., "You'll pass Argonaut's Liquors on the left

and Scooter's on the right, then turn right on the street

between the Satire Lounge and the Lion's Lair, then continue

until you see the tree that looks like a huge martini glass."

You think vomiting is the body's way of making room for the

next round.

The first thing you look for on a wine label is the alcohol

content.

You consider Aqua Velvet a daring after-hours liqueur.

You recognize last call as a secret signal that all unattended

drinks are fair game.

When someone says "expensive wine," you think "gallon jug."

Four years of research and three hours of writing went into

your masterful college thesis, "MD 20\20: Self-Esteem Enhancer

For the Leisure Classes, or Cancer Cure for the Working

Masses?"